Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•08 Feb 19, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
  • Aries Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
  • Taurus Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
  • Gemini Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
  • Cancer The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
  • Leo Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
  • Virgo People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Libra You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
  • Scorpio Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
  • Sagittarius You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
  • Capricorn After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
  • Aquarius Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
  • Pisces Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.