Your Birthday Today The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
Aries Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
Taurus Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
Gemini Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
Cancer The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Leo Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
Virgo People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
Scorpio Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
Sagittarius You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
Capricorn After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
Aquarius Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
Pisces Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.
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