• Your Birthday Today Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.
  • Aries They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.