Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.

Aries They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.

Gemini It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.

Cancer A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.

Leo You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.

Virgo Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.

Libra Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?

Scorpio While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.

Sagittarius You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.

Capricorn Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.

Aquarius Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.

Pisces The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (February 19, 2008)
Your Horoscope » (March 4, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...