Your Birthday Today Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.
Aries They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
Pisces The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.
0