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Your Birthday Today You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.

Aries Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.

Taurus The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.

Gemini You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.

Cancer While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.

Leo Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.

Virgo Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.

Libra Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.

Scorpio Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.

Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.

Capricorn You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.

Aquarius Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.

Pisces Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...