Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•09 Mar 4, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.
  • Aries Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Taurus The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
  • Gemini You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
  • Cancer While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
  • Leo Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
  • Virgo Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
  • Libra Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
  • Scorpio Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
  • Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
  • Capricorn You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
  • Aquarius Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
  • Pisces Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.