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Your Birthday Today You've always been the type to tackle a problem head-on, which is unfortunate, as your problem today involves a bulldozer.

Aries Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.

Taurus The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.

Gemini While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.

Cancer No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.

Leo You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.

Virgo Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.

Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."

Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.

Sagittarius Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.

Capricorn You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.

Aquarius Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.

Pisces You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (March 25, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...