Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•12 Mar 18, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today You've always been the type to tackle a problem head-on, which is unfortunate, as your problem today involves a bulldozer.
  • Aries Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
  • Taurus The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Gemini While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Cancer No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
  • Leo You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Virgo Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
  • Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
  • Sagittarius Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Capricorn You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
  • Aquarius Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
  • Pisces You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.