Your Birthday Today You've always been the type to tackle a problem head-on, which is unfortunate, as your problem today involves a bulldozer.
Aries Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
Taurus The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Gemini While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Cancer No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
Leo You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Virgo Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
Sagittarius Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Capricorn You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
Aquarius Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
Pisces You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.
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