• Your Birthday Today Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
  • Aries The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
  • Gemini They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Cancer Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
  • Leo Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
  • Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
  • Scorpio While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Sagittarius Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Capricorn Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Aquarius Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Pisces Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.