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Your Birthday Today Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.

Aries The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.

Taurus You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.

Gemini They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.

Cancer Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.

Leo Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.

Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.

Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.

Scorpio While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.

Sagittarius Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.

Capricorn Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.

Aquarius Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.

Pisces Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (April 1, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...