• Your Birthday Today The ravages of age continue to wreak havoc on your body. Either that or all the Indian food.
  • Aries You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
  • Taurus The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
  • Gemini Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
  • Cancer While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
  • Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
  • Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
  • Libra You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
  • Scorpio Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Sagittarius A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
  • Capricorn Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Aquarius They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
  • Pisces Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.