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Your Birthday Today They say it's easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, but then that's just some stupid bullshit that can go straight to hell.

Aries It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.

Taurus The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.

Gemini Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.

Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.

Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.

Virgo You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.

Libra The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.

Scorpio Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.

Sagittarius You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.

Capricorn It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.

Aquarius You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.

Pisces Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...