• Your Birthday Today You're not the type of person who needs constant validation to feel good about yourself, which is good news, considering the next 50 years or so.
  • Aries This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
  • Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
  • Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
  • Cancer Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
  • Leo Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
  • Virgo The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
  • Libra The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
  • Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
  • Capricorn Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
  • Aquarius It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
  • Pisces It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.