Your Birthday Today She may only be a distant cousin of yours, but you'll still feel immense guilt after spending the night with a lower-order primate this week.
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
Taurus You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
Gemini A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
Cancer While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
Leo You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
Virgo They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
Capricorn A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
Aquarius Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
Pisces You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.