• Your Birthday Today Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
  • Aries Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
  • Taurus It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
  • Gemini Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
  • Cancer You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
  • Leo A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
  • Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
  • Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
  • Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
  • Aquarius They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
  • Pisces While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.