Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Last Updated 10:18 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.

Aries Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.

Taurus It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.

Gemini Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.

Cancer You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.

Leo A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.

Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.

Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.

Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.

Sagittarius The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.

Capricorn Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.

Aquarius They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.

Pisces While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (May 6, 2008)
Your Horoscope » (May 20, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...