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Your Birthday Today Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.

Aries Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.

Taurus It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.

Gemini Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.

Cancer You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.

Leo A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.

Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.

Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.

Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.

Sagittarius The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.

Capricorn Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.

Aquarius They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.

Pisces While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...