Your Birthday Today The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
Aries Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Gemini You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
Libra A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Scorpio Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
Sagittarius You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Capricorn Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Aquarius The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
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