• Your Birthday Today The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Aries Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Gemini You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
  • Libra A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Scorpio Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
  • Sagittarius You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Capricorn Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Aquarius The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.