Your HoroscopeYour Birthday Today Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Also like wine, you tend to get abused by raging alcoholics.Aries A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang. Taurus All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once. Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.Virgo Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin. Libra Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.Scorpio Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.Capricorn Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.Aquarius You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.Pisces It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.