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Your Birthday Today Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Also like wine, you tend to get abused by raging alcoholics.

Aries A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.

Taurus All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.

Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.

Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.

Virgo Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.

Libra Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.

Scorpio Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.

Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.

Capricorn Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.

Aquarius You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.

Pisces It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.

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Your Horoscope » (June 10, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...