Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•23 Jun 3, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Also like wine, you tend to get abused by raging alcoholics.
  • Aries A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.
  • Taurus All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.
  • Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
  • Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
  • Virgo Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.
  • Libra Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.
  • Scorpio Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.
  • Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.
  • Capricorn Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.
  • Aquarius You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.
  • Pisces It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.