Your Birthday Today The party hats and streamers may seem a bit excessive, but it's not everyday that people get to celebrate your impending death.
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
Cancer Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Leo Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Virgo Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
Libra While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
Capricorn You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
Aquarius Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
Pisces Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.
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