Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•25 Jun 17, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today The party hats and streamers may seem a bit excessive, but it's not everyday that people get to celebrate your impending death.
  • Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
  • Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
  • Cancer Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Leo Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Virgo Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
  • Libra While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
  • Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
  • Capricorn You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
  • Aquarius Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
  • Pisces Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.