Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•28 Jul 8, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
  • Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
  • Gemini You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
  • Leo You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
  • Virgo All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
  • Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
  • Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
  • Sagittarius Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
  • Capricorn Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
  • Aquarius No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
  • Pisces After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.