Your Birthday Today A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
Gemini You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
Cancer Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
Leo You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
Virgo All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
Sagittarius Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
Capricorn Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
Aquarius No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
Pisces After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.
0