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Your Birthday Today No matter how much time may pass or how many years may go by, you'll always be 12-years-old emotionally.

Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.

Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.

Gemini Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.

Cancer The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.

Leo Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.

Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.

Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.

Scorpio When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.

Sagittarius Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.

Capricorn You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?

Aquarius Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.

Pisces It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...