• Your Birthday Today No matter how much time may pass or how many years may go by, you'll always be 12-years-old emotionally.
  • Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.