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Your Birthday Today You'll have your very own line of cologne just as soon as scientists find a way to bottle the stench of defeat.

Aries They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.

Taurus God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.

Gemini You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.

Cancer Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.

Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.

Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.

Libra You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.

Scorpio The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.

Sagittarius You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.

Capricorn There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.

Aquarius You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.

Pisces Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...