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Your Birthday Today It's human nature to fear the unknown. Then again, you'd probably be twice as scared if you knew what that lump actually was.

Aries You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.

Taurus Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.

Gemini You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.

Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.

Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.

Virgo Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.

Libra You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.

Scorpio Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.

Sagittarius Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.

Capricorn By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.

Aquarius Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.

Pisces Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

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Past Horoscopes

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January 24, 2012

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January 3, 2012

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