• Your Birthday Today It's human nature to fear the unknown. Then again, you'd probably be twice as scared if you knew what that lump actually was.
  • Aries You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
  • Taurus Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
  • Gemini You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
  • Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
  • Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
  • Virgo Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
  • Libra You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
  • Scorpio Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
  • Sagittarius Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
  • Capricorn By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
  • Aquarius Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
  • Pisces Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.