Your Birthday Today There's more to life than money and material possessions. Keep reminding yourself of this for the next 20 miserable years.
Aries The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
Taurus Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
Leo Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
Virgo Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
Libra Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
Scorpio Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
Capricorn You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
Aquarius Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
Pisces You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."
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