Horoscope

08.12.08 | ISSUE 44•33

  • Your Birthday Today Getting old is never easy, but take heart, help will soon be on its way.
  • Aries You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
  • Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
  • Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
  • Cancer They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
  • Leo After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
  • Virgo You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Libra Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
  • Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
  • Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
  • Capricorn The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
  • Aquarius You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
  • Pisces Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you've been staring at the damn thing upside-down.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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