Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•33 Aug 12, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today Getting old is never easy, but take heart, help will soon be on its way.
  • Aries You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
  • Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
  • Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
  • Cancer They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
  • Leo After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
  • Virgo You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Libra Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
  • Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
  • Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
  • Capricorn The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
  • Aquarius You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
  • Pisces Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you've been staring at the damn thing upside-down.