Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•34 Aug 19, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today Personal growth, financial success, and romantic fulfillment await you in the coming year. As does wishful thinking.
  • Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
  • Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
  • Gemini Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
  • Cancer Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
  • Leo The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
  • Virgo You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
  • Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
  • Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
  • Sagittarius A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
  • Capricorn Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
  • Aquarius If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
  • Pisces Your failure to follow last week's horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.