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Your Birthday Today Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.

Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.

Gemini Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

Cancer You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.

Leo Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

Scorpio Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

Sagittarius By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

Capricorn Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

Aquarius You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

Pisces Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (September 2, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...