Your HoroscopeYour Birthday Today Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.Taurus Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.Gemini Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.Cancer You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.Leo Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.Scorpio Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.Sagittarius By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.Capricorn Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.Aquarius You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.Pisces Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.