• Your Birthday Today Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.
  • Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
  • Gemini Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
  • Cancer You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
  • Leo Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
  • Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
  • Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
  • Scorpio Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
  • Sagittarius By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
  • Capricorn Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
  • Aquarius You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
  • Pisces Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.