Your Birthday Today Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you'll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Aries Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Cancer The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
Libra Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
Scorpio You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
Sagittarius Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Capricorn Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
Aquarius Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
Pisces Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
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