• Your Birthday Today Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you'll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Aries Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.