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Your Birthday Today Turns out the police officer is actually a male dancer, and that flushing all those drugs wasn't necessary.

Aries Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.

Taurus The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.

Gemini Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.

Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 8¹², √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.

Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.

Virgo When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.

Libra True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.

Scorpio The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.

Sagittarius Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.

Capricorn Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.

Aquarius Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.

Pisces Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...