• Your Birthday Today Turns out the police officer is actually a male dancer, and that flushing all those drugs wasn't necessary.
  • Aries Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
  • Taurus The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
  • Gemini Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
  • Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
  • Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
  • Virgo When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Libra True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
  • Scorpio The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.
  • Sagittarius Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
  • Capricorn Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
  • Aquarius Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
  • Pisces Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…