Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today You'll soon spot your very first white hair, an incredible feat considering the thickness of your cataracts.Aries It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.Taurus Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope. Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.Leo Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.Virgo Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now. Libra Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.Scorpio You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.Sagittarius Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.Capricorn You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.Aquarius The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?Pisces The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.
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