Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•38 Sep 16, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today You'll soon spot your very first white hair, an incredible feat considering the thickness of your cataracts.
  • Aries It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
  • Taurus Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
  • Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
  • Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
  • Leo Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
  • Virgo Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
  • Libra Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
  • Scorpio You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
  • Sagittarius Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
  • Capricorn You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
  • Pisces The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.