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Your Birthday Today You'll soon spot your very first white hair, an incredible feat considering the thickness of your cataracts.

Aries It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.

Taurus Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.

Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.

Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.

Leo Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.

Virgo Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.

Libra Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.

Scorpio You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.

Sagittarius Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.

Capricorn You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.

Aquarius The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?

Pisces The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (September 23, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...