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Your Birthday Today While you've always known sapphire to be your birth stone, you'll soon discover granite to be your death stone.

Aries Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.

Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!

Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.

Cancer Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.

Leo Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.

Virgo You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.

Libra After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.

Scorpio More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.

Sagittarius Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.

Capricorn You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.

Aquarius Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.

Pisces The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...