Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•39 Sep 23, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today While you've always known sapphire to be your birth stone, you'll soon discover granite to be your death stone.
  • Aries Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
  • Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
  • Cancer Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
  • Virgo You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
  • Libra After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
  • Scorpio More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.