Your Birthday Today God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
Gemini You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
Cancer The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
Leo You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
Virgo Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
Libra You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
Scorpio Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
Sagittarius All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
Capricorn You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
Aquarius The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
Pisces You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.
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