Your Horoscope

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Your Birthday Today God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.

Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.

Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.

Gemini You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.

Cancer The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.

Leo You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.

Virgo Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.

Libra You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.

Scorpio Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.

Sagittarius All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.

Capricorn You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.

Aquarius The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.

Pisces You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...