Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•40 Sep 30, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.
  • Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
  • Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
  • Gemini You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
  • Cancer The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
  • Leo You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
  • Virgo Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
  • Libra You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
  • Scorpio Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
  • Sagittarius All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
  • Capricorn You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
  • Pisces You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.