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Your Birthday Today God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.

Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.

Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.

Gemini You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.

Cancer The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.

Leo You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.

Virgo Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.

Libra You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.

Scorpio Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.

Sagittarius All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.

Capricorn You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.

Aquarius The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.

Pisces You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (October 7, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...