• Your Birthday Today Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
  • Taurus When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
  • Gemini Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Cancer Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Leo There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Virgo You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Libra Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Scorpio It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Sagittarius Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Capricorn You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Aquarius If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Pisces You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.