Your Birthday Today Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
Taurus When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
Gemini Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Cancer Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Leo There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Virgo You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Libra Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Scorpio It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Sagittarius Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Capricorn You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Aquarius If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Pisces You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
0