Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•42 Oct 14, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today While it's true that you can't outrun your past, it's catching up with your future that you should be worried about.
  • Aries You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he'll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it's leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.
  • Cancer Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.
  • Scorpio The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius Be sure to watch your temper, as it's about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.