• Your Birthday Today Throwing a temper tantrum won't do you any good today. If you really want to go to the zoo that bad, just drive yourself.
  • Aries Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
  • Taurus Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
  • Gemini Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
  • Cancer The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
  • Leo You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
  • Virgo Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
  • Libra You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
  • Scorpio Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
  • Sagittarius Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
  • Capricorn Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
  • Aquarius Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
  • Pisces The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.