Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•44 Oct 28, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today They say you have the kind of face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the birth defects.
  • Aries Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.