Your Birthday Today They say you have the kind of face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the birth defects.
Aries Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
Taurus Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Gemini Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
Cancer Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Leo God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
Virgo Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Libra Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
Scorpio Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
Sagittarius You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
Capricorn The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
Aquarius You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Pisces You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
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