• Your Birthday Today Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Aries It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Gemini You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Cancer Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Leo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Virgo In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Libra New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Scorpio While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Sagittarius Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
  • Capricorn The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Aquarius You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Pisces Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.