Horoscope

11.04.08 | ISSUE 44•45

  • Your Birthday Today Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Aries It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Gemini You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Cancer Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Leo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Virgo In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Libra New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Scorpio While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Sagittarius Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
  • Capricorn The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Aquarius You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Pisces Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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