Your Birthday Today Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Aries It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Gemini You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Cancer Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Leo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Virgo In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Libra New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Scorpio While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Sagittarius Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
Capricorn The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Aquarius You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Pisces Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
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