Your Birthday Today Lately it may seem as if you're losing your hair, but don't worry: That has nothing to do with the aging process.
Aries The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
Taurus The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
Gemini A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
Cancer Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
Leo The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
Virgo Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
Libra They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
Scorpio You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
Sagittarius Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
Capricorn A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
Aquarius Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
Pisces Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.
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