Your Birthday Today Meditate on the unique and breathtaking splendor of the natural world. Do this for as long as it takes them to fix your cable box.
Aries You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
Taurus It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
Gemini Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
Cancer While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
Leo You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
Virgo There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
Libra You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
Scorpio The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
Sagittarius The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
Capricorn You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
Aquarius It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
Pisces If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.
0