• Your Birthday Today Meditate on the unique and breathtaking splendor of the natural world. Do this for as long as it takes them to fix your cable box.
  • Aries You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
  • Taurus It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
  • Gemini Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
  • Cancer While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
  • Leo You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
  • Virgo There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
  • Libra You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
  • Scorpio The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
  • Sagittarius The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
  • Capricorn You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
  • Aquarius It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
  • Pisces If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.