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Your Birthday Today Meditate on the unique and breathtaking splendor of the natural world. Do this for as long as it takes them to fix your cable box.

Aries You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.

Taurus It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.

Gemini Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.

Cancer While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.

Leo You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."

Virgo There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.

Libra You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.

Scorpio The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.

Sagittarius The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.

Capricorn You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.

Aquarius It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.

Pisces If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...