Your Birthday Today You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
Aries Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
Taurus You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Gemini It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
Cancer Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
Leo Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
Virgo Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Libra Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
Scorpio You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Sagittarius The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
Capricorn Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
Aquarius If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
Pisces Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
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