Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•48 Nov 25, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Aries Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Gemini It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Cancer Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Leo Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Virgo Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Libra Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Scorpio You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Sagittarius The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Capricorn Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Aquarius If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Pisces Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.