Your Birthday Today The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.
Aries There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
Taurus The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
Gemini It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
Cancer A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
Leo Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
Virgo Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
Libra Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
Scorpio You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
Sagittarius An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
Capricorn Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
Aquarius A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
Pisces You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.
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