Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.

Aries There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.

Taurus The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Gemini It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

Cancer A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.

Leo Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.

Virgo Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.

Libra Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.

Scorpio You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.

Sagittarius An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.

Capricorn Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.

Aquarius A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.

Pisces You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (December 2, 2008)
Astrological Predictions For 2009 » (December 15, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...