Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•50 Dec 9, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.
  • Aries There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.