Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 45•02 Jan 6, 2009
  • Your Birthday Today Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.
  • Aries The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.