Your Birthday Today Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.
Aries The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
Taurus Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
Gemini Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
Cancer Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
Leo The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
Virgo True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
Libra Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
Scorpio Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
Sagittarius A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
Capricorn Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Aquarius Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
Pisces You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.
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