Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Manning Retirement
- Last Updated 1:32 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.

Aries The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.

Taurus Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.

Gemini Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.

Cancer Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.

Leo The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.

Virgo True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!

Libra Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.

Scorpio Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.

Sagittarius A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.

Capricorn Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Aquarius Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.

Pisces You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

More Horoscope

« Astrological Predictions For 2009 (December 15, 2008)
Your Horoscope » (January 13, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...