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Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.

Taurus The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.

Gemini Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.

Cancer The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.

Leo Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.

Virgo You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.

Libra Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.

Scorpio Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.

Sagittarius Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.

Capricorn Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.

Aquarius You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.

Pisces You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...