• Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Gemini Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.