Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 45•04 Jan 20, 2009
  • Your Birthday Today They say you have a head for numbers, but that's because "head for tumors" isn't really an expression.
  • Aries Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
  • Gemini The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
  • Cancer You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.