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Your Birthday Today They say you have a head for numbers, but that's because "head for tumors" isn't really an expression.

Aries Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.

Taurus People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.

Gemini The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.

Cancer You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

Leo The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Virgo Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.

Libra Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)

Scorpio You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Sagittarius Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.

Capricorn You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.

Aquarius It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.

Pisces You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...