Your HoroscopeYour Birthday Today You'll learn a lot about yourself in the days to come. Namely, what happens when a foot-wide gash is opened right beneath your spine.Aries This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.Taurus While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.Gemini E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."Cancer If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.Leo Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.Virgo You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.Libra The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.Scorpio Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.Sagittarius When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.Capricorn The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.Aquarius Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.Pisces You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.