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Your Birthday Today Sex for you is nothing short of a religious experience, or at least praying for it is.

Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.

Taurus You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.

Gemini They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.

Cancer Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.

Leo When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.

Virgo The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.

Libra You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.

Scorpio The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.

Sagittarius It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

Capricorn Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.

Aquarius You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.

Pisces The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (January 27, 2009)
Your Love Horoscopes » (February 10, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...