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Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

Taurus Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypoteneuse.

Gemini Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

Virgo Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.

Libra No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has to sneak in through its basement window late at night.

Scorpio Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.

Sagittarius Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.

Capricorn You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.

Aquarius Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.

Pisces You'll finally find the answer you've been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...