Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
Taurus Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypoteneuse.
Gemini Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
Virgo Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
Libra No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has to sneak in through its basement window late at night.
Scorpio Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
Sagittarius Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
Capricorn You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
Aquarius Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
Pisces You'll finally find the answer you've been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.
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