Aries Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
Taurus According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
Gemini A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
Cancer Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
Leo You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
Virgo You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
Libra You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
Scorpio You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
Sagittarius You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
Capricorn The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
Aquarius Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
Pisces Unfortunately, those in the outside world will continue to mistakenly believe that your having been in the closet since age 12 means you're gay, not trapped.