Your Horoscope 4146

Horoscope ISSUE 41•46 Nov 16, 2005
  • Aries People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
  • Taurus Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
  • Gemini This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
  • Cancer Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Leo There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
  • Libra You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Scorpio Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
  • Sagittarius You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
  • Capricorn Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
  • Aquarius It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
  • Pisces The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.