Horoscope

12.14.05 | ISSUE 41•50

  • Aries The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
  • Taurus After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Gemini You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
  • Cancer You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
  • Leo The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
  • Virgo After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
  • Libra You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Sagittarius While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Capricorn The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
  • Aquarius You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
  • Pisces If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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