Your Horoscope 4150

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Aries The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.

Taurus After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.

Gemini You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.

Cancer You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.

Leo The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.

Virgo After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.

Libra You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.

Scorpio This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.

Sagittarius While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.

Capricorn The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.

Aquarius You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.

Pisces If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.

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Your Horoscope 4151 » (December 21, 2005)

Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

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March 13, 2012

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