• Aries The year will fly right by after you accept new responsibilities in February, one of which will be to determine why the Earth is orbiting the sun at an increasingly rapid rate.
  • Taurus Though you disapprove of your neighbors' penchant for mean-spirited gossip, you will see the best in them come out this October when the entire town bands together to save the old rumor mill.
  • Gemini You will be transported to the year 5766—a bizarre world where black is white, right is wrong, and the consumption of pork and shellfish is prohibited by law—after converting to Judaism next month.
  • Cancer The stars say the new year is about putting the past behind and moving on with one's life. Unfortunately for you, the court prosecutor, ballistics expert, and team of forensic analysts don't agree.
  • Leo You and your spouse will accidentally write the old year on an adoption form this week and find yourself with 2005 new Asian mouths to feed.
  • Virgo Following 33 years of uncertainty and confusion, things will finally start making sense around August when you decide to purchase a wall calendar.
  • Libra March will see you break two New Year's resolutions: the first after lighting up a cigarette, the second after putting it out in the cornea of the stranger you've tied to the radiator in your basement.
  • Scorpio While the events that inspired it occurred over 50 years ago, investors this year will still be wary of backing your amusement park ride, The Holocoaster.
  • Sagittarius Faith will play a big role in your life this year, as evidenced by your stubborn insistence that if God had wanted you to accept homosexuals, he would have given you the ability to do so.
  • Capricorn As manager of a pet store, you've long suspected employees were flushing dead goldfish down the toilet. The poodles, on the other hand, will surprise you.
  • Aquarius Your mother's death had you convinced last year was the worst of your life. But you will take that back this September, when you lose an umbrella.
  • Pisces You will be praised at work for your idea that the hugely successful British television program BBC World News should be adapted for American audiences.