• Aries What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
  • Gemini With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Virgo Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Scorpio Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Pisces You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.