Horoscope

01.11.06 | ISSUE 42•02

  • Aries The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Taurus Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
  • Gemini You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Cancer A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Leo There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Virgo Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Libra Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
  • Scorpio 1969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Sagittarius Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Aquarius Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.

    • Past Horoscopes

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    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

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    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

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    • November 8, 2011

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