• Aries The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Taurus Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
  • Gemini You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Cancer A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Leo There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Virgo Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Libra Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
  • Scorpio 1969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Sagittarius Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Aquarius Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.