• Aries You'll have a hard time putting what it is that you don't like about your new neighbor into words next week, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Taurus You will scour the periodic table of the elements for several weeks in search of a fitting name for your new heavy-metal trio. Unfortunately, both of your bandmates will feverishly object to Derek And The Borons on several counts.
  • Gemini You've seen some disturbing displays of faith in your lifetime, but next week's encounter with a highly devout theoretical mathematician who expresses his love for Jesus Christ as an "unbounded dynamical system" takes the cake.
  • Cancer A graphic, unsettling slide, absent-mindedly fed into the projector upside down, will bring much-needed levity to your otherwise leaden murder trial this week.
  • Leo You don't care what the other guys at NASA think, the blooper reel you compiled this week from 45 years of launch footage was pretty darn funny.
  • Virgo Subjecting your waitress to the observation that all restaurants are in fact revolving restaurants due to the invariable rotation of the earth on its axis will more than explain why you're dining alone.
  • Libra You're not saying that the awards are undeserved, but still, if all those people had wanted to see a gay cowboy movie, all they had to do was come by your basement anytime during the last 14 years.
  • Scorpio True to its promise, a new kitchen disinfectant will make life easier for you, a single working mother with two children. But that's only because you'll take to regularly huffing the highly toxic solvent.
  • Sagittarius As a devoted female campus advocate, you've long maintained that "no" means "no," but next week will bring the realization that sometimes "no" also means "help."
  • Capricorn This week, you'll prove wrong friends and family members who have long accused you of being self-centered and callous when you drive cross-state just to spend a couple of days with your step-uncle at his luxurious beachfront home.
  • Aquarius After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.
  • Pisces Deep anger and bitter disappointment over the distance of your first discus throw will result seconds later in joy over the distance of your second discus throw.