- Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
- Taurus You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
- Gemini Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
- Cancer You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
- Leo You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
- Virgo The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: The flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet still burns brightly in your living room.
- Libra Nothing will seem sadder to you than the sight of the hooks that once held her photograph, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
- Scorpio When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
- Sagittarius Your lifelong search for a soul mate will come to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
- Capricorn You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
- Aquarius Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
- Pisces Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 20 ... (July 20, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3 ... » (August 3, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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February 7, 2012
Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
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January 31, 2012
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
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January 24, 2012
Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
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January 17, 2012
Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
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January 10, 2012
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
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January 3, 2012
Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
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December 6, 2011
Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
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November 15, 2011
Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
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November 8, 2011
Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
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