Your Birthday Today Romance will bloom all around you today. Unfortunately, it'll resemble the sickening explosion of fungus more than the fragrant awakening of spring.
Aries Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
Taurus Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
Gemini You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
Cancer All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
Leo It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
Virgo The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
Libra You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
Capricorn You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
Aquarius Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
Pisces The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.
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