• Your Birthday Today Romance will bloom all around you today. Unfortunately, it'll resemble the sickening explosion of fungus more than the fragrant awakening of spring.
  • Aries Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Taurus Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
  • Gemini You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
  • Cancer All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
  • Leo It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
  • Virgo The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
  • Libra You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
  • Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
  • Capricorn You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
  • Aquarius Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Pisces The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.