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Your Birthday Today Romance will bloom all around you today. Unfortunately, it'll resemble the sickening explosion of fungus more than the fragrant awakening of spring.

Aries Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.

Taurus Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.

Gemini You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.

Cancer All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.

Leo It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.

Virgo The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.

Libra You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.

Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.

Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.

Capricorn You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.

Aquarius Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.

Pisces The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...